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  • Writer's pictureNaomi Zelwer

Trouble With My Pants

Updated: Aug 18, 2022




I had trouble with my pants this morning.

Let me explain.

These are pants that are in great condition: no stains, no rips, not stretched out of shape.

To be honest, they’ve always been a wee tight on the waistline.

They are Terribly Sensible pants, and are fine for all seasons.

Well, I pulled them on this morning, and couldn’t help noticing that I felt frumpy. Gently, I said, “I am Not Feeling Fabulous.” (Yes, I like to feel fab in my clothes.)

My pants distinctly smirked, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with Us.”

At first, I felt bad.

Yes, yes, quite ashamed.

Because the pants themselves are Perfectly Fine. (Anyone would say so. The shop assistant who energetically sold them to me. And my mother. And certainly anyone who doesn’t have enough clothes.)

So that must make it My Fault.

Coz I bought them, didn’t I?

Felt the pinch when I tried them on in the shop and ignored it, didn’t I? (Coz I said to myself at the time, “Not a problem: I’m going to lose weight,” didn’t I?)

Paid Good Money for them, didn’t I?

Put on weight since then, didn’t I?

Had cake with my tea twice yesterday, didn’t I?

So that must make it My Fault.

Ergo, I now deserve to punish myself by wearing them and feeling frumpy and grumpy all day.

RIght?

Wrong.

My pants looked on smugly, as I carried on this internal dialogue. And I could have sworn, they gripped even tighter around my waist.

That pissed me off.

I said, “Pants, how ‘bout you lose the attitude?”

And they answered, “How ‘bout you lose some weight?”

Well I pulled them off at that point.

And they began taunting me, “”Guess you’re hanging us back up in the cupboard for when you lose weight next season, as if, ha ha!!”

Well, as a matter of fact, that was my intention. It’s kind of automatic when it comes to good quality, sensible, all-season clothes: to put them away with a nice blend of guilt and good intentions but without a-plan-nor-genuine-motivation-to make-a-change. Because how could I possibly give away Perfectly Fine pants that I paid Good Money for?

So… it turns out I can.

And I did.

These pants are now in the Give Away pile. I’m sure they’re going to make someone else feel comfortable AND fabulous. And I’m glad. I can forgive myself for having bought them, and having kept them so long. And I can let myself off the hook now. I don’t have to punish myself by keeping them in my cupboard, taking up space. I’m quite comfortable with my weight, and there are days that require two servings of cake, and even three. I have other pants that suit my lifestyle and make me feel comfortable AND fabulous. And those are the pants that are Keepers.


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